#4

I don't think you know what a real relationship is.
I don't think you know what it is to be alone.
I think you knew you would be alone.
So you reached out to me again.
As a placeholder.
Till you found your new obsession.
We had something
You threw it out.
I was too convenient.
You liked me a lot.
You just liked me
Then.
You never liked me.
And all I did was piss you off.
I don't think you know what you are doing.
I think you pushed me away because you are scared.
I told you I would push you away.
I told you I would have a hard time.
People constantly leave me.
Whether I push them or not.
They just go.
You said you wouldn't leave but you did.
You are gone. Again. Poof/
In the bottom of my heart I knew you were too good to be true.
I knew that smile of yours and the way your hand fit in mine was a farce.
I saw you years ago, That smile with your goofy hair as you walked by and that's all I could think about.
But you never saw me.
Years later, I got the chance and well you just wanted nothing to do with me.
Yet again, I was given a chance.
Failure.
I am sad you left again, I am sad you didn't try. (Please don't say you did, it was a pathetic try)
However, I am relieved that you chose not to be in my life because of your crazy selfish ass just can't handle it (and life)
You wonder why what happened is happening? You put that out there, You chose that. This is not just a one person problem it is a two person problem and you are the problem.
Half of it.
You act kind and happy until you blow up and aren't.
I bet you are seeing that person I suspect you are seeing.
And I feel sorry for her.
Sorry for the way you will break her heart.

I will find someone who respects me
I will find someone who treats me like an equal
Who doesn't constantly lie.
Who doesn't belittle and make you feel like shit.
Who doesn't treat people like garbage to throw them out when they become a nuisance.

I bet you can't be single.
I bet you can't be a real friend even if it makes you uncomfortable.

The ball is in your court.

Be a friend.
Be there.

#3

I can see I have been bumped down the list
To priority zero.
Swiftly I'm nothing more than a nuisance. 
But I am more.
I am worth more than what I am receiving. 
I am worth more than a half hearted hello as you pass me by.
Our paths cross and yet I am invisible to you.
I could yell from the roof tops that you brighten my day. 
It falls on deaf ears.
You don't want to hear what I have to say.
You don't want me to bother you.
You don't want me in your life.
Yet I stupidly fight for it.
I blindly flail my arms.
Walking in the pitch black
Hoping I don't find the cliff where I will fall off. I am hopeful. I am always hopeful.
I walk into this big huge wall and I can't see over it.
I can't see around it.
Yet I keep pushing, and pushing till my hands are raw. Till my hands are bleeding. Till my heart is pounding in my ears.Till I forget exactly why I am here. 
I wake up and the first thing I think about is how I used to wake up with your face next to mine.
With your hand in mine.
Memories of the first time you said hi to me,
The first time I saw you years later
The first time I saw you yet again.
I am easy to give up on.
I am easy to throw away as you have every other single time.
I cling to hope.
I stupidly cling to you.

I officially let you go.
I let go of your hand.
And we quietly drift apart.
Floating on the ocean
One day passing each other.
One day.
Letting hope go.

#2

He had a great smile and a great heart
He felt just like love

You will always be special to me whether you want to be or not
You will always have a special place in my heart whether you want to be or not
I will never give up on us even if you wish I would just disappear.
I think about you often.
I wish you well.
I wish I could have been that person for you.
I wish  I could be the one to make you smile...and laugh...and have fun with.
I wish that at the end of a long day I can hold your hand as we walk to bed.
Partners.
My confidant.
Years can and have passed.
A life time of what could have happened.
I don't know the future.
I don't know if our boat will sink.
I don't know what will happen.
I do know I will never give up.
I do know I will be there.
I do know I have faith.
In the infinitesimal.
In the memory of looking into your eyes and my soul just lighting up with contentment.
With reading your eyes.
Your strong hand reaching for my weak one.
I felt your confidence.
I felt your heart beat.
        In sync with mine. Briefly.
I felt too much.
And not enough.
My eyes are wide open and I can see the path won't be a straight one.
It will be a narrow rocky ledge with switch backs and dead ends.
I am a storm to be reckoned with.

and i miss you i miss you every single day

#1

Lately I have been wandering in circles.

Lapping myself

Following in the same foot steps that I walked in before.

One step after another.

Monotonous.

Constant.

The sound of my heart beat floods my ears.

The ache engulfing my bones.

It is easy to fall in love,

it is hard to stay that way.

It is easy to picture your life with someone,

It is hard to hear they don't see you in it.

It is easy to be heartbroken,

It is hard to let it go.

It is easy to be just a friend,

It is hard to be a great friend.

It is easy to criticize,

It is hard to hear what someone is really saying.

It is easy to be hopeful,

It is hard to let that hope go. (impossible)

I keep walking.

I keep listening to the heart beat,

Rushing in my ears.

I keep moving hoping one day I will be noticed.

My hand falls into yours,

Easy, effortless.

Joy.